Therapists’ tips on overcoming loneliness in Spain

We all know that it can be difficult to forge deep friendships when moving abroad. Friendships can often be surface level and it’s hard to get beyond that due to several factors including language barriers, the transient nature of big Spanish cities, established social circles among locals and even holding back. 

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This can lead to loneliness, which is in fact more common among foreigners here than many would like to admit. Whether you’ve been here 10 weeks or 10 years loneliness can affect anyone at different stages in life and it’s important to know what to do about it so you can pull yourself out of that hole and get back out there. 

To understand what you can do about loneliness abroad and how to beat it, we consulted therapist Leigh Matthews and her professional team from Therapy in Barcelona, a group practice of English-speaking, psychology-trained therapists supporting internationals across Spain, in person in Barcelona and online.

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• See loneliness as a sign that a need isn’t being met. It says nothing about your worth as a person.
• Work out what’s actually missing, whether that’s more people, or closer people, more friendships with depth, because each one needs a different plan.
• Look for ways to see the same people regularly. A weekly language exchange, a running club, a volunteer shift or a walking group gives friendships the repetition they need to grow. Research by sociologist Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas has shown that it takes approximately 50 hours to transition from an acquaintance to a casual friend, 90 hours to become a regular friend, and more than 200 hours to form a close friendship. While causal clubs can be great, going to a paid class can be even better as you’re assured that the same people will return every week.
• Mix your circles. Other internationals understand your experience quickly, while neighbours, local shops and groups run in Spanish, or in the regional language where you live, help you put down roots. 

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• Keep working on the language, but don’t wait to be fluent before you connect. Belonging comes from being known by the same people over time, in whatever mix of languages you share, far more than from perfect grammar.
• Practice taking the initiative. Ask a colleague to lunch, suggest a plan to the group chat, say what you’d like instead of waiting to be asked. Clear, honest communication is a skill, and it improves with use.
• Invest even if you don’t know how long you’ll stay. Treating your time here as temporary keeps people at arm’s length, and many “short stays” turn into years.
• Notice how much you edit yourself. If you’re hiding who you are in every conversation, the friendships you build won’t have much to hold on to. Take the risk to be seen.

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• Make room for your feelings. Living abroad brings up sadness, frustration, fear and joy, often in the same week. Naming what you feel, and finding small daily routines that steady you, makes it easier to reach out instead of withdrawing.
• Name the goodbyes. If you’ve lost a lot of friends because they’ve moved away over the years, acknowledge it. Grief you recognise is far easier to move through than grief you push aside.
• Pay attention to your phone habits. Notice whether time on home-country feeds leaves you feeling more connected or more homesick, and adjust from there. Don’t let time online with people from back ‘home’ replace or take time away from building friendships in your adopted home.
• Bring both worlds together. You don’t have to choose between who you were at home and who you’re becoming here. Keep your language, your food and your traditions alive, and let them sit alongside your life in Spain.

• Don’t wait for a crisis to ask for help. Many internationals hold everything together for years and only reach out when something breaks. Talking to someone earlier, while you’re still coping, often makes the difference.
• Give it time and be kind to yourself. Feeling at home in a new country rarely happens in a few months. For many people it takes years, and that’s normal.

Matthews and her team also explain how therapy can help to manage and overcome loneliness.

“Therapy gives you a steady relationship with someone whose job is to understand you. Having a space where you’re listened to closely and taken seriously offers some stability. It gives you time to step back from daily life and look at how you’re actually experiencing it. Many internationals have never had the chance to make sense of what moving has meant for them and therapy can help. It also helps you to understand your own patterns and builds emotional language and practical skills.”